What's a mom to do?

I'm sitting here sweltering inside my air-conditioned house with sweat running in my eyes after taking out my frustrations on the kitchen floor. Ironically, the floor looks like it could go another round, but I've rung the bell. I was so tired last night after Evan had been up all night long the previous night. I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. I was asleep my 10 and woke up to my son's nightly screams at 3:50 am this morning. I must have slept right through his usual wake-up groans because he had escalated to full-out screams. When I went to get out of bed, I screamed in pain. I hurt my left foot a few weeks ago and it's getting worse. The bruises have come back. I have bruises on the top left of my foot below my toes and in the middle of my foot where the foot meets the ankle. It hurt all morning, but I made myself walk on it and now it's a bit better, but I still favor it. I don't have the $ to go to the doctor and I'm just wondering if I've broken one the little bones in my foot.

Speaking of money, I wish we had more of it. I had to make a REALLY hard decision this week. I had to give up going to my friend's wedding in KS. I e-mailed her and told her (I don't have her #) and she hasn't e-mailed me back. I tried to talk to her online but she just logged off. I hope that was coincidental and not on purpose. Right now, I feel like she's mad at me and it's making me miserable. She's one of the few people who bothered to show up for my wedding and I always thought I would go to hers b/c it meant so much to me that she came and sang at my wedding. If I went to the wedding, it would be the straw to break the camel's back. I would have to go back to work. This week has been very hard emotionally, financially, and physically. I priced daycare...it's $135 for 3 days a week!!!!! How can I afford to work? It's $5 an hour for children under 1 years of age. Can you imagine? What am I going to do? How can I make my bills less?

Jarred and I sat down and tried to make a plan, but we won't feel most of the changes until next month. Here's what we did:

1. unplugged fridge in garage (estimated $20/month)
2. Will empty and unplug deep freeze (estimated $20/month)
3. Cancel Gym membership ($40/month)
4. Suspend 401K withdrawls ($150/month) (I know...this is AWEFUL)
5. Keep air on 75 or above/close vents in unused rooms
6. Don't drive as much (I'm not allowed to go to Tulsa until the 9th b/c it costs $10 a trip)
7. change cell plan ($30/month) (we checked into pay as you go phones and it would only save us $30 a month b/c of the disconnect fee so we were ahead just to stay with Sprint)

We also have stuff we need to look into. I checked on WIC today and we don't qualify. Just thank the Good Lord that we were able to get Evan's check up and shots there. That saved us at least $200 out of pocket. We pay $350 a month for insurance and we get squat! However, it's still cheaper than going with an independent plan (we checked).

We need to get rid of a payment, reduce payments, or bring in more income. Which one sounds the most plausible? I thought it would be bring in more income, but that's not looking good with the cost of daycare. I have a substitute gig this Thursday but those are few and far between. This is actually the first one and I hope to work a few more this month. If I could work 5 days a month that would cover or nearly cover our car payment.

So, what's a mom to do? Stay home with the child and go into more debt, or try and work and still go into debt? Our income is 1/2 of what it was last year! Imagine living on 1/2 of what you had last year. We planned for hard times and still we didn't put back enough. We're going to try and make it. We have to go to MO one more time this summer (in two weeks), and that's it. No more trips until September when I have a wedding to attend (in the bridal party) in CO. We have to take my mother's car back to her. She let us borrow it while mine is in the shop being repaired from the storm we had on 6-1. I had to have a new roof, a new hood, and a new trunk (plus some additional body work).

My car only gets 23 mpg. It costs us $390 a month (fast pay track). We need to get our payments down. I'm going to look into re-fing our houses and/or our car. We got a terrible deal on our house and I think it would help our payments if we re-fied.

The bottom line is that we're doing all we can. We keep asking God for help and He's helping us stay above water. If we fail, and get into debt, God will be there to help us up. It's so hard to realize that. To know that God is with you, but that doesn't mean you will always be able to succeed. I pray for my heart's desire:

Dear Lord,

Please hear my prayer. My heart's desire to to stay home with my son. Help us to manage our finances and make good choices. Show me clearly whether I should return to work or stay home with Evan.

Help me to put away my fear. Fear of getting certified, of teaching. I kow that failure to act is still a choice, one with widespread consequences. Help me discern the correct action and to take it. Help me be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good daughter.

Thank you dear Lord for carrying me right now. My strength has failed me, but yours sustains me.

Amen