A liberal admits she's conservative...Finally

The day has finally come. I must admit--in writing no less--that I am no longer a leftwing liberal. Alas, I have many of the values associated with those darn righwing conservatives. My good friend Amy asked me last summer what political party identified with and I said, "Is there such a thing as a fiscally conservative democrat?" She said no. That left me without an affiliation. I no longer associate myself with one party or the other.

But, my conservative shift has effected other areas of my life as well. I used to believe that the government had absolutely no right to dictate whether abortion was right or wrong. I have never been for it, but it has always been a personal decision for me. I know people who have had abortions and I know the turmoil that stays with them b/c of it. After having Evan, I can't stand the thought of it. I'm still not sure I believe the government has the right to repeal Roe vs Wade, but I now believe I have the right--the responsibility--to advocate for prolife (although I certainly don't want myself associated with those clinic-bombing nuts).

I find that my beliefs about male and female roles are also changing. My beliefs concerning this matter used to be based on theories that I found in books, which I adhered to in the hope of overcoming--casting aside--the crap from my childhood. I find myself the primary caregiver, the laundry goddess, the family secretary, and all the other stereotypical roles. I like to believe that I don't really fit that old, outdated 1950's mold. I'm certain that it doesn't come in a size 22. LOL.

I bring this subject up b/c of some issues I'm having with my husband. He is the primary breadwinner. I can't believe it, but I don't mind staying home. Actually, I prefer staying home with Evan. A lot of type A personalities do like it b/c it gives them control over their child's daily life. What I do mind, is that he doesn't help out as much as I think he should. He cannot, for the life of him, figure out what he SHOULD do without being told. On the flip side, he can't stand to be told what to do. Hello! Do you see a problem here? Last night, I was miserable b/c I put my back out and my foot hurt and I was exhausted so Jarred said he would watch Evan while I just sat and watched t.v. His version of watching Evan was to let him scream--not cry, but scream--while he played on the computer. I sat there until I couldn't take it (on and off for an hour) and then I intervened. We've had so many discussions as of late. I'm tired of fighting. I actually thought about loading up the car with Evan and just leaving for the evening. Jarred feels that he helps out as much as OR MORE than I do around the house. I'm still mad at him for saying that. I try not to broach this subject b/c it makes me so mad and it never gets resolved when we do discuss it. Jarred doesn't spend hardly anytime with Evan and his excuse is that he works all the time. It's true, he does work A LOT, but it's also true that he doesn't take advantage of the time he does have free.

Jarred and I aren't getting along. I don't know what to do. He hates his job and we can't afford for him to quit. We have a ton of stuff to do around the house if we hope to sell it next summer. Our lawn has not been mowed in 1 month. How do single moms make it? How do they mow their lawns? We have a 2 acre lawn and our riding lawnmower is broken. GRRRR. I started to mow it the other day but then stopped b/c I was scared I couldn't hear Evan cry. I need to get up early tomorrow and do it before Jarred goes to work. I usually get up at 2 and 4 and 7, so maybe I should just stay up at 4. It would be cool outside and maybe I could catch an afternoon nap. Maybe.

Our money issues are certainly not solved. His silly company overpaid us and now Jarred is all but refusing to talk to them about it. He called them and they said they just won't pay us until we've earned that amount back. My questions were What about being taxed at the higher rate? What about our deductions for 401K, medical, insurance, and flex plan? Who will keep track of the deductions? It's a mess. He still hasn't heard back from them. He says that cannot take back the money they overpaid us because it will mess up their accounting. I say bullshit. I worked in accounting for 2 years and if someone send you a check, you can credit it anywhere you want. If someone messes up on tax deductions, you can make a journal and fix it. I know not everybody uses Great Plains accounting software and I also know that I'm CERTAINLY not an accountant, but it's just common sense that should be able to fix their mistake. My friend who is a CPA says it can be done, yet he still argues with me. He just doesn't want to have to do anything. He doesn't want to make a stupid phone call. I told him I would call, but he declined. This has been dragging on for several days now...

I'm so tired and worn down. I'm not eating right and I've totally stopped exercising. I don't have my house clean and it's driving me crazy. Why am I writing this and not cleaning the kitchen? Because I hate doing it over and over again. I guess I'm not very domestic afterall.

TTYL. Gotta go clean the kitchen.