One Mom's Rant

Monday, March 29: Getting Back to Blogging

2010-03-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't blogged since December of 2008. Oh dear. I knew it had been some time, but I did not realize it had been that long. Good thing nobody reads my blog. LOL

I have returned to blogging with a specific purpose in mind. I'm going to TRY to track my weight loss efforts. I have always struggled with my weight. Even when I was insanely active, I was overweight. Now that I'm a mom and a teacher, well, let's just say I have a spare tire or two. Yikes.

The big 3-0 is approaching this October. I'm not quite sure what that means in all practicality. I know it's just a number and that it's just another year, but it does make you think. It makes you reflect on who you are and where you are in life, not to forget where you want to be. I'm really, really lucky. I have met a lot of my goals: (1) I teach at a junior college, which was one of my career goals, (2) I have a fantastic husband, and (3) I have an amazing 2 yo son. I'm just plain lucky.

With that said, there are SO many things I want to do. I want to grow and change, evolve really. I want to be debt-free. I want to finish my Masters. I want another baby. Sigh. I feel like I'm running out of time. Stupid stigma attached to the big 3-0.

Well, the purpose of blogging again (ostensibly) is to track my weight loss efforts. Folks, this is day 6, and I have to tell you it's NOT going well at all. I have made better food choices than I have in a year. I've also exercised some. I purchased a workout dvd starring Bob the Biggest Loser Trainer. I couldn't move for 2 days! I am incredibly out of shape. Sad. Very sad.

I need to set the scene here. I just went off birth control a month ago. Why is this significant? Birth control is my regulator, it lets me function like everyone else. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian Syndrome--most common form of infertility in the world). It generally means my hormones are messed up, and it is most commonly treated with birth control pills. But, you can't conceive a baby on birth control (or not very likely).

Everytime I go off the pill, I gain 10 lbs. True to form, I've gained 10 lbs. I feel sick about it. I'm waaaaayyy too big to start with. I definitely don't need another 10 lbs hanging on these hips. It's really difficult for me to lose weight. It never works like the equation "they" say it is. You know the equation: fewer calories consumed + exercise = weight loss. Yeah right. No problem. It's all that simple. That equation works (or else nobody would every lose weight), but it doesn't always work for me. I don't know what's going on with my body.

Aunt Flo is getting ready to visit and I'm hoping that's why I haven't lost any weight. I hope I lose some weight this next week or my motivation is going to start sagging. We'll see how it goes.

Ok, I've got to log off and go see Bob. Dang Bob.

Shaking with Anger over Medical Incompetence

2008-12-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

Evan had another minor reaction today and it was fairly clear that it was due to eating rice. I called the doctor's office and they called back later today and told me to take Evan to the lab for bloodwork again.

The last food allergy panel had failed to test for a rice allergy so this time the doctor was going to specifically list each food he wanted tested.I arrived at the Diagnostic Labs of OK on Yale and 68th street at 3:45 p.m.

It was a HORRIBLE experience! I am sooooo angry right now that I'm still shaking and it's been over 3 hours! When I checked in, the two lab associates were talking to a woman about her lovely coat. They talked about coupons, and shopping, and Christmas presents. After a good while (about 15-20 minutes), they got to me. I went into the senior associate's office while she filled out Evan's paperwork. At this point, it was 4:28 p.m. Anyway, she complained over and over and over again that this was too much work to get done before 5 p.m.

She didn't understand why the doctor had listed each test separately.After much complaining, she finally started entering it into the computer. She couldn't do it. First, she couldn't figure out why the doctor had written the tests on a script pad. OMG! She made a copy of it and gave it to me to take the pharmacy!!! It only had the test written on it---NOT a prescription. I tried to explain that he probably just wrote on it b/c it was handy but she failed to comprehend what I was saying.

She also could not figure out the dr's fax number even though they had faxed the request over. I had to get up, walk over to her desk, and show her that the fax number was at the top of the page! It gets sooo much worse.

The doctor had requested 17 tests. Yes, I know that's a lot, but Evan has been really sick and we need to find out what is causing it. She made me call the doctor's office and get the ICD 9 code to process the billing or else she refused to do the bloodwork. I called and got the code immediately.

She could not figure out the CPT codes for processing so she called the associate branch that helps them with codes. Neither the woman on the other line nor "VAL" could figure out the code for the corn allergy test.

This is what gets my goat...I'm so livid I could spit or punch or scream... She told the person on the other end, "It's ok if you can't find it, we just won't run it." OMG!!! You do not---NOT---randomly choose what to test and what not to test. YOu have to follow the doctor's orders!!!I obviously called her on it.

She got mad at me and shook her finger in my direction and made a sour face. When she got off the phone we had a "discussion." I told her she had to run the test and she had no right to change the doctor's orders. Her response was "Well, you already ran the test last week so we should't have to run it again." I'm blown away by her stupidity. She finally agreed to look for the code and she found it from last week's panel. It was under Maize/Corn. She could not pronounce Maize so she spelled it to me and asked me what it was. When I told her, she shook her head as though she didn't believe me and said, "I've never heard that word in my 50 years."

They took 4 vials of blood from my baby. If had not been so late we would have left and now I wish I had. She was TERRIBLE. She didn't even give me a receipt!!! I will be writing, calling, e-mailing her boss and the corporate office.

If no action is taken, I will be writing more letters, making more phone calls, and enlisting the help of every friend I have to make sure that this does not happen again. This could have been your kiddo. What if Evan's allergic to corn and they didn't run the panel???? What other tests has she failed to run b/c she couldn't figure out the code or b/c it was close to 5 p.m.? What would you do? If I am unable to make progress, will someone help me write letters and make phone calls? I am serious about this. I have to make an impact here. Her behavior is totally unacceptable and unprofessional. I will keep you updated. Thank you for letting me share.

My Poor Lil' Boy

2008-11-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

Well my friends, my dear, sweet little boy is still sick. He's been sick for a month now. He started with teething woes back in the last week of October. He caught a virus, in part, because his immune system was low due to teething. The virus caused a high fever. After we thought we'd finished the virus, he got bronchitis. They prescribed amoxicillin for the bronchitis to help fight the infection in his lungs and help him breathe. On day 7 of a 10 day dose, Evan had a terrible allergic reaction to the amoxicillin. We were, of course, out of state. We had to go to St. Johns in Springfield, MO. They were not very helpful. They told us he was having a "classic" allergic reaction to amoxicillin and gave us a dose of benedryl. That's seriously all the did.

Evan was so swollen that his forehead overlapped his eyebrows! His hands and feet were swollen to 2 or 3 times their normal size. He was covered everywhere from head to toe with raised, red, ugly spots. On November 17, we went to a new pediatrician and he gave us a dose of steriods. By November 24 (1 week later), Evan's rash was nearly gone; however, on November 25th the rash was back in full force! This was an indicator that Evan either had a new allergic reaction or there was something else going on. We've tried several medicines to fight the swelling and pain and itching. Yesterday Evan was hysterical with itching...it was terrible.... I called the nurse line at the ped and left a message (I was nearly hysterical myself and I'm sure they could tell I was crying). Anyway, they were wonderful. The nurse called back in 10 minutes and the doctor called back to speak with me personally within another 10 minutes. They called in some new meds and they seem to help some. At least Evan can sleep a little now. He had been unable to sleep much because of the discomfort. He had large, dark bags under his eyes...so sad.

They've drawn blood a couple times. He does not have a virus right now. He does not have a food allergy. If he's still sick on Monday, the doctor is going to get him an appointment with a specialist. They may have to do a skin biopsy. I can't stomach the thought.

Dr. Raley thinks that this may be stemming from the virus Evan had at the beginning of November. He's seen it once before.

I'm trying everything to relieve some of Evan's discomfort, and sometimes it helps. I've used 1/2 a tub of vaseline in the last 10 days. The hives dry out his skin to the point it cracks if I don't keep it lathered in vaseline. I lather him up 2-4 times a day.

If you pray, please pray for my lil' Evan. If you don't pray, please give it a try. :-) I feel so helpless.

Mommy Considerations

2008-10-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

It was a lovely day today. We went to the pumpkin patch and had a wonderful time. We just got home and Evan is jumping in his Johnny Jumper and talking, "Yiiiii, ya, ya, ya" and ect. I'm pleasantly tired and typing on the computer. Mom is out on the back step smoking a cigarette and enjoying the country noises of tree frogs and wind in the trees. Jarred, of course, is at work.

I haven't been feeling well. I'm crrrrrraaaaannnnkkkkyyy and exhausted. I'm stressed out. If you are sensitive abotu "girl talk," I would suggest you skip this paragraph. :-) I really thought I'd get my period this month. I lost a few pounds and ran (although I haven't felt like running for over 2 weeks--gotta remedy that soon). I thought for sure I felt the ovulation pain and I had all the signs of ovulation. I've got nothing. I'm craving milk (my body must be low on calcium) and I'm a grump. I'm fatigued. I know what you're going to say, "You're pregnant." Let me explain. It took over 2 years to get Evan, and he was an absolute miracle. I certainly don't want to get my hopes up again. Nonetheless, I took a pregnancy test today. It was one I had from last year when I found out I was preggo with Evan. There was only 1 stripe in the control window, which means it was negative; however, there was another stripe outside of the results window (two stripes equals preggo). I've never had this happen before and I should have stock in pregnancy test from all those years of trying to conceive. I need to take another one. I had a false negative with Evan. Women with PCOS often have low levels of HCG at the beginning, which is what the test measures to tell if you're pregnant or not. There are other alternatives. It could be allergies (I was sick for over 3 weeks straight.). It could be my body getting used to working again. It could also be that I'm diabetic; this is a great worry to me. I may take my sugar tomorrow morning with my mom's glucose machine and see if it's unnaturally high. I certainly hope it's not.

I have soooo many things I'm worrying about. Why don't I just turn them over to God? I need to just let go, but instead, I'm just dreading this "to do list" that never seems to get done. I'm stressed about money. Good grief, I'm not a very good example of a Christian if I'm worried about every little thing.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for a blessed day among friends and for mother visiting us to help with babysitting and to visit. Thank you Lord that Jarred still has his job even if it is only for the time being. Thank you for the hours I've gotten at Wright substitute teaching. Please Lord help us with our finanaces and give me additional skills in the kitchen so that we may eat well and not be tempted to eat out as much. Thank you Lord for the 4 years Jarred and I have been married and for the incredible son we have. Please dear Lord, watch over Jill and her husband as he searches for new employment. Please take care of Deedra as her due date approaches and many thanks for the reconciliation her and Kyle have had. Bless and watch over their little family. Let me keep my unwanted opinions to myself but offer advice only as it is needed with them (i.e. the bumper issue). Guide and protect Melissa and her family as they go through the foster process. I pray for Amy and her decision that you may guide her and give her the strength to do your will. We also pray for the health of the grandparents, Aunt Jean, and all those in need, Lord. We thank you for the bounty you have given us. I turn over my stresses to you and ask for your forgivness. I have judged when I should not have judged and I have worried when I should not have worried. Again, thank you Lord for all that you have given us.

Amen.

To any readers who stumble upon this post: I have taken to the habit of writing a little prayer. It's my way of holding myself accountable and openly acknowledging my faults, my needs, and my faith. I've never been very good at sharing my faith, and now I feel like I need to reach out more. It is not meant to offend anyone, only to uplift us all and praise the Lord.

Media as Gate Keepers: Their Lack of Management Skills

2008-10-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

In our highly electronic age, the media acts as a gate keeper to the information that we are allowed access. It pushes some topics on us, rather forcibly, and fails to cover others. What drives their decisions as to what makes headlines and what makes trash bins? Ratings. The more people who watch, read, or subscribe, the better off they are. This is absolute crap. There is no fair and accurate reporting anymore. Zippo!

They interrupted radio and television programming today to tell us that the stockmarket dipped...wait for it...wait...to 2004 lows!!!! They're calling this recession the next GREAT DEPRESSION. Yes, folks, this is not a great time for investments, for liquidity, or even for hedge funds. Yes, we have a legitimate fear about our future, but stop playing it up. Sometimes, if you focus on something too much, you overhype it. Sometimes, a sprained ankle is just a sprained ankle, not a break.

To make matters worse, this is an election year. It behooves the Presidential candidates to make out the economy to be worse than it actually is b/c it gives their ideas credence, as though their new policies will erase all poverty and fortify all markets. In the meantime, our world is responding to the fear projected from the tvs, from the radios, from the websites, and from the politicians. Groceries have went up, again. Gas is thankfully lower, but for how long? Some people are pulling their money out of banks. Fear is rampant. And this is after the "masterful" bailout plan that Congress passed; their legacy legislation as they called it.

Sigh. I used to be such a political junkie. Yes, I was a liberal. I wanted to save the world; yet, I had no power, few skills, and absolutely no money. Today, I'm a bit more conservative. I'm definitely into less gov't unless we absolutely need it. I don't affiliate myself with a party. I'm not advocating one side over the other; however, I am advocating that we become fiscally responsible as a people and as a nation. We need a gov't wide audit. That's right, I said the A word. We're spending money in stupid ways...wasting cash...creating more debt. Before you cut necessary programs, get rid of beauracratic rigamarole. Before we become any more socialist, please take stock of what we have and what it means.

I have been very concerned watching the news lately, as most of us have been. I was concerned when China announced they would no longer lend us money and then called for a worldwide currency. International markets are also taking a hit right now b/c we're all so interconnected. Does Revelation ring in anyone else's ears? It's always seemed so far off to me, but this is bringing it home to me. I'm not crazy or wild. I'm not going to go drink poisoned koolaid or go hole-up in some cave. I'm just concerned. If the end times are near, I'm unprepared. If they will take away our Bibles, I do not know enough scripture.

This is my venting board and I reserve the right to correct, add, or simply change my mind at anytime. :-) It is my perrogative. LOL

Pondering Today's Sermon

2008-10-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

Time is of the essence so this will be short, but I want to get a few thoughts down on "paper" before they leave my mind.

Our sermon today revolved around Evangelizing Christ's message into the world in a way that is inviting and compassionate, not off-putting and overly righteous. It revolved around the idea of tears for the lost. We should care so much about our fellow brothers and sisters that we literally cry for their salvation. Our own salvation must first be in order. The pastor referred to Romans 9:1-3.

I read the rest of the chapter while he was talking. (this may not be something I should admit.) Anyway, I came across a few scriptures that are particularly pertinent for my life right now and I'd like to share them.

Romans 9:17 (This is the primary verse)

For the scripture says to Pharoah, "I have raised you up for the very purpose of showing my power in you, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth."

Romans 9:20-24

But who indeed are you, a human being, to argue with God? Will what is molded say to the one who molds it, "why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one object for special use and another for ordinary use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience the objects of wrath that are made for destruction; and what if he has done so in order to make known the riches of his glory for the objects of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory--including us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?

My little family has had several crises over the past year and we have endured through prayer and God's MERCY on us. Yesterday another crises loomed before us, one that seemed so shattering that it took our breath away. Yet, the Lord did make us to have a spirit of fear. We should not give in to the anxiety and worry that naturally rises from crisis. He has made us for a purpose and while he has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, we may be subjected to hardships in this life. He has designed us to bring Him glory and to proclaim His name. Whether we are ordinary or extraordinary, we are hear to serve.

Dear Lord,

I come to you in prayer asking for your forgivness. Please forgive me and my husband for our worry. Grant us your mercy and your wisdom. Guide our actions and our thoughts. Make us strong in your word. Grow us so that we may be of use to you. Should Jarred lose his job, Lord, provide for us. Should Jarred keep his job, Lord, guide us. Thank you heavenly Father for your grace and your continued Mercy. We are thankful for our health and our home and our family. Numerous are your blessings and we are thankful.

In Christ's name.

Amen

A little prayer

2008-10-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,

Please watch over us Lord in our time of need. Please help us survive this newest storm. Thank you for watching over us in previous months and seeing to our needs. Please grant us the courage and strength to survive another crisis.

Thank you for our health and for baby Evan. I give this latest worry over to you. Please give me the strength to be a good wife and not to worry so. Please give Jarred and his staff the ability to meet the new guidelines and keep their jobs. Guide us to know what to do.

Thank you Lord.

Amen

First 5K: COMPLETE! :-)

2008-09-22T19:11:00.001-07:00

Yay! We did it! We actually completed our first 5K. I can't believe it. I still don't consider us "runners" like you hardcore bloggers over at Sarah's site, but I'm proud of us nonetheless. :-) It took us 43 minutes, which included 31 minutes jogging and 12 minutes walking. Now, I know that's slow, but you have to consider where we started.

For me, it's almost a miracle. The first day I started working out I broke my toe in the morning and fell and sprained my ankle in the afternoon. LOL

From July 07 until his birth, I was on some sort of restricted activity until the last month or so when I was put on strict bedrest. My son Evan was born on 2-12-08, nearly 1 month early due to complications. It was a very difficult pregnancy and the days following his birth weren't exactly a walk in the park either. My feet were so swollen that they actually split on top. I had been so inactive for so many months that walking the length of the house was my first official "workout." That's where I started so I'm thrilled that I was able to do a 5K.

I read Sarah's blog faithfully. I read it b/c I love that sweet, wonderful woman, but also b/c I love to hear about her running. There's something to running that makes you love it even when your sides hurt and you can't quite catch your breath. There's a satisfaction that comes with completing a run or sticking it out a few minutes longer. It's a personal challenge between you, your body, and the pavement of the road. Yes, I know most of you could run 4 miles in the time it took me to do 3.1, but for myself, I won this challenge. I've come a long way and I hope to get better. The SAHM girls and I are signing up for the Tulsa run in October. It's a true 5K, none of that walking stuff. :-)

Willie, my mouth dropped open when I realized someone actually read my posts. :-) LOL Thanks for the encouragement. You a sweetie. :-)

Just Venting: Nothing Uplifting

2008-09-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't been in contact for awhile so I thought I'd post. I haven't been able to run lately and everyone has been sick. We're starting to feel better, but I still haven't had a chance to run. There's no way I can keep up with my SAHM group who is running/walking a 5K on the 20th and I still haven't found a babysitter. I've got to work on that. My dad is visiting this week so I certainly haven't been eating well. I tried on my dress for the wedding at the end of this month and I look terrible. It's not just me that thinks it either. My sister-in-law couldn't really say anything nice about it. She's a nice gal, but she can't really lie.

I'd like to dig a big hole and crawl in it, and I'm ashamed to admit it. I know I have to crawl out of this funk I've been in. I've been so busy. I know it's just what every mom has to go through. It seems like I'm always doing something--dishes, laundry, sweeping, paying bills, ect. When I'm not doing something, I'm making a mental list of things I need to do. Some nights I go to bed and my back and feet ache so bad it takes forever to go to sleep. Evan hasn't been sleeping well so I'm functioning on 4-5 hours sleep. I miss sleep. LOL. I don't think any mom gets the prescribed 8 hours. We had family visiting and they were all in the livingroom and I was in the kitchen cleaning. I knew if I didn't do it then, I would have to stay up later and do it (which isn't really an option considering I hardly sleep right now).

Thanks for letting me vent. I swear I'm not always a grumpy girl. I'm just disappointed in myself and it carries over into every aspect of my life. I sure wish I was 30 lbs thinner, but I haven't taken the necessary steps to do it (hence the disappointment). It is within my control to change my life for the better.

I need to get out and do stuff with people again. I've been working at Wright and trying to get ready for my dad's visit and the upcoming wedding. It seems like time is flying. Tanya, would you be interested in running Wednesday afternoon this week? I work Wednesday and Thursday so I'll be in Tulsa. I could meet you for a run anytime around 3 or so. I know it's not likely considering you probably need to be home when you children get home from school, but I thought I'd ask. :-)

Miss you SAHM girls. Good job on running. I really am proud of you! You're the only reason I haven't quit by now. I'm going to try and run tonight when Jarred gets home (about 30 minutes from now). I don't know how far I'll get, but I've got to try.

TTYL

An Update on Life

2008-08-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to be the reader's digest version (and still too long if I know myself). It's been crazy busy lately. The insurance company wants receipts/warranties/pictures of everything that was stolen to prove we owned it before the robbery. I called--played a long game of phone tag actually--and here's their compromise (b/c of course I don't have receipts for all that stuff): My mother has to write a letter saying she is aware we owned said items and then it has to be notarized. Ridiculous. There are pages and pages of paperwork for me to fill out. I still haven't done it, but I need to get it done soon.

I got up this morning (4:55 a.m.) and the fridge was make a horrible sound. It's dead. We have another fridge in the garage so we moved it into the house. We didn't lose any food thankfully. This other fridge is old and beat up but it works and for that I'm thankful.

Evan is sick again. I took him to the doctor and he said his is reacting to an allergen in the air--probably my 20-year old cat! Stubs (the cat) is in the garage until further notice. It's sad, but I don't know what else to do. Nobody wants a 20 year-old cat, not even my mom. I WANT her but I can't compromise Evan's health.

Yesterday Evan started vomitting so I called the doctor again (this is after he'd already been to the doctor). He may also/or have a virus that's going around. The poor little guy is miserable. If the vomiting doesn't stop we're supposed to take him to Urgent Care. He vomitted again at 5 this morning... Poor little guy.

I didn't sleep much b/c I was worried about him. I had to make sure he was breathing. It scares me just thinking about ... He's still napping right now. I got him to go back to sleep at 6 so he's been asleep for 2 hours. I got up and went for a run/walk. I did my typical 2 mile route. I walked 5 minutes, R 90 seconds, W 90 seconds, R 90 seconds, W 90 seconds, R 3 minutes, W 3 minutes, R 3 minutes, W 3 minutes, R 4 minutes, W 90 seconds, R 55 seconds, and walked about 4-5 minutes. It was 34 minutes total. It's part of the scheduled workout for the couch 2 5K program. We are supposed to run a 5K in October. In fact, a bunch of us moms are going to walk/jog in the Race for the Cure in September. I'm not ready to run it, but I'll walk/jog it. I may do my scheduled workout that day. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone...

I have a busy week this week. I work 4 shifts at Wright Career College. I workout Tuesday a.m., Wednesday a.m. & p.m., and Thursday a.m. I'm going to be exhausted. But, we need the moolah. We have trips coming up and we just bought tile and new doors and now we may need a new fridge.

Well, I could chat forever but I have to run. I've been online for 45 minutes and my chores are screaming at me. Have a great day!!

Workout/Weight Woes

2008-08-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, I didn't really expect to lose weight, but I've gained 5 lbs! I've got to get on a diet. I'm working out and it's killing me. I'm living on ibuprofen and now I'm 5 lbs heavier. Good grief. I have a terrible habit of eating when I'm stressed and it's defeating the whole purpose of working out. You can't get healthier and fatter. I've been so tired the last few days. I can't get enough sleep and I can't get enough done.

We made some progress on our robbery case yesterday...depending on how you look at it. They've turned over the investigation to the Tulsa gang unit. There is evidence that it was a gang crime. Can u imagine? They have arrested two women, but they are refusing to talk for fear of being murdered. I'm a bit frightened now. You see, I overheard a man in the grocery store talking about robbing someone. This was last Friday. Of course, I confronted the young man. He said it was a Tulsa robbery, not the one here. Anyway, I reported him but now I'm worried of retaliation. Well, I better get dressed, stretch, and hit the pavement. I don't want to, but sitting on my butt is not going to get rid of those 5 new pounds. Hope y'all have a great day!!!!

Week 2: Workout 3: Ouch

2008-08-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I can technically say I survived another workout, BUT I am HURTING. I waited until 1:15 p.m to run b/c of this and that getting in my way. It was humid and nasty outside. I have a ton of stuff to do so I didn't take the time to stretch as much as I should have. Ouch.

I know better. I know I need to stretch and probably take ibuprofen before every workout of any kind. My time was terrible too. It took me 39 minutes. Boo. That's including running for 4 straight minutes. You know, I really shouldn't call it running. Perhaps I should call it a galloping walk? :-) So sad, but too true.

I had the pleasure of meeting Tanya on Saturday. Now, I just need to meet Sarah in person and then I know all the regular SAHM Whatweate08 bloggers. :-)

Tanya--You are a knockout! My goodness. I'm EXTRA proud of you for working out b/c if I looked as good as you, my butt wouldn't be bouncing down the highway. LOL. Seriously, you look great. No matter how pretty you are, it's always good to be in shape. Kudos to you.

I have a good friend who is a marathon runner and she's drop-dead gorgeous too. She does it for the love of running and to stay healthy. I like running...but I wonder if I'd like it as much if I was as beautiful as her.... It's something to ponder.

Note to self: Don't eat unless you are hungry. Especially don't eat if you're depressed or anixous. It doesn't help anything, in fact, it only makes you feel worse. Buck up and say no to the damn carbs woman!

Ok, y'all have a nice week. Tomorrow we start week 3. I don't even know what that will include, but I'm scared. Ha!

Week 2: Workout 2: Surviving Couch to 5 K

2008-08-08T08:21:00.001-07:00

I survived! LOL. That's what I tell myself everytime I complete a workout. I ran/walked my typical 2-mile route out on the road near my house. I'm still TERRIBLY out of shape, but I'm getting better. My first workout on this program took me 45 minutes, but my workout today only took 34 minutes. :-) I know that shows how slow I am, but darn, I'm so happy to be getting better.

I had a serious case of the "I-don't-wannas" this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed and I certainly didn't want to run, but I'm so glad I did. It wouldn't have been possible if my mother wasn't here visiting. She watched Evan after I put him down for a nap, and then I was able to go for a walk/jog.

Happy trails everyone! Evan just woke up from his nap. :-)

Getting it all Together

2008-07-28T07:07:00.001-07:00

Ok, today is about making progress. I have to go to the bank and try and protect me and my family from identity theft, which I'm already thinking is going to be a tedious and unpleasant process. I have to call all the credit cards and put them on alert/hold/cancel; whatever they do in these sort of situations. I also have to pay my mortgage...with money that I don't really have b/c they're going to want to freeze everything. Yikes!!!

On a positive note, I did get my butt out of bed this morning and start the couch 2 5K program. I got up with Evan at 4:45 and when he went back to sleep around 5:45, I stayed up and made hamburger helper for Jarred's lunch, loaded and ran the dishwasher, and did other minor chores. At 6:45 my feet hit the pavement. Today's workout was walk to warm-up (5-8 minutes) then run 60 seconds/walk 90 seconds for 22 minutes, then walk again.

Gotta run. There's some strange man on a tractor who just went through my yard. I need to check things out.

ROBBED...The Day after

2008-07-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

That right. We were robbed. We live in the country outside of a small town of 6500 people and we got ROBBED! I just can't get my mind wrapped around the concept that we actually got robbed, that my grandmother's precious ring is gone forever, that the pearl's my father bought me when I went to D.C. are gone forever, that such and such is gone forever. They went through my underwear drawer!!!~! Gross. They just took tools and jewelry. Four houses in the area were hit and they all were missing tools, guns, and jewelry.

The police officer was not very reassuring last night. He said it wouldn't do any good to take fingerprints b/c they were like 2 years behind in the lab and they would not get processed. He also said the detective would contact us, but he had "better than banker hours" so he didn't know when that would be. On his behalf, he was a sweetie, just green around the collar. He probably hasn't learned how to B.S. people like the pros. He must have realized the impact of what he said b/c he changed gears and said they might catch them, maybe. Forget it, it's all gone. What's worse is that I don't feel safe in my house. I have to cancel/hold/change every financial account I have and the next 2 weeks are my BIG bill weeks.

I'm soooooooo glad I didn't go to the bank to day and fill out a form b/c I think they came back this afternoon around 2 p.m. Evan had just finished eating and was filling his diaper with a dirty gem when I heard a scuffing sound towards the back of the house (I was in the livingroom by the picture window). I picked Evan up and took him to his room (in the back of the house) to change his diaper and check things out. I didn't see anything so I started changing him. He ran out of wipes so I locked him in his changing table and went to get the new wipes I bought out of the kitchen. As I dug through the box, I heard a car door shut. I walked to the picture window in the livingroom and a late-model red van (I believe it was a Chevy Venture) was in the middle of my driveway. We have a long driveway. We do NOT live next to the road. This van was not just turning around--it had come too far in for that to be it's function. It was sooooo FREAKY! I called Jarred but he didn't answer so I called my brother. Then I called the police. I'm still sitting at home alone....waiting and watching. I'm totally freaked out, but in some weird way, I'm also calm. I'm just not leaving my house...ever? Jarred won't be home until 10 p.m. I called and asked him to come home early...he'll try.

Monday will be hard day. I've got a LOT to do and many phone calls to make. I think we have insurance to cover robberies, but I'm not sure how it works. We may not have any...I just don't know.

I'm done writing for now. I need to focus on something else. Have a great day.

Some Good News & an Uplifted Spirit

2008-07-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have some good news about the banking situation! :-) I called F&M Bank and they will give us full access to the funds by next Monday, which means I can pay my mortgage without putting it on a credit card or being late! Yippee! Oh, we have an account with F&M, and that's why we can use them. Honestly, I don't like the bank but had never quite got the account closed. That's a blessing for you! If we had closed that account, we would have been in a mess right now.

I feel soooo relieved. I have to call the roofer and delay that for a few days, but that's no big deal. I can manage this. I can handle this b/c of God's strength.

If you can't tell, I'm going through a bit of a spiritual revival. These hard times have forced us to sink or to rely on the awesome power of the Lord. I can't even believe I'm writing this. I don't hardly ever talk about the Lord. I guess it's fear that I'm not a good enough example and I won't do Him justice. When I was first dating Jarred, a good friend of mine (at the time--she later boycotted my wedding) told me I shouldn't wear my cross anymore b/c I had slept with Jarred. After much debating, I did eventually take it off. I didn't wear one again until after I was married and I still find that I feel unworthy to wear it. I guess I've just been living in fear that I will be judged and fall short of the mark, but by living in fear I have done a disservice to my faith and my God. No matter how hard I try, I will fall short of His grace. There are no works great enough to earn the grace provided by Jesus. But, I can try to live better and work on my faults in an effort to glorify Him and His sacrifice.

On another front, I am considering do the Couch to 5K program. A couple of girls in my mommy group are going to run a 5K in October and they are doing the program. I need to lose weight and get in better shape and this program would force me to do it. I so admire my dear friend Sarah (and now her husband too) for being runners. I used to LOVE to run. I know, it makes no sense for a fat chick to love running. It hurts your feet, your joints, and probably the pavement. LOL. I'm worried I'm too fat to do it, but there's something inside of me that says, "Stop being afraid. Try new things your interested in. Go for it." I'm going to look at ace bandages and shoe inserts today. If I run, I'm going to need some products for my feet.

Ok, I'm off for the day. I've got to go to a couple banks and run some errands. TTYL. Have a wonderful day!

Trying to be strong...

2008-07-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to be strong and rely on my Christian principles to trust in God and not to worry, but I'm acting very much the falible human right now and worrying myself to a sleepless night. I know things could be worse and I believe God will provide, even if it's providing in ways we don't necessarily anticipate or really desire. He's seen us through the last 2 months and there were times I didn't know where the $ was going to come from.

The most pressing financial dilemma right now has to do with our bank. As you may have heard on the news, there's a lot of talk about some banks being in a financial crisis. I tried to deposit my insurance check for the roof ($6700) and they told me I couldn't have access to those funds for 3 weeks! I could have $100 of it on Tuesday, $4500 of it in just over a week, and the remaining $2100 on August 5th. I refused to sign the release form they wanted me to sign. It said they had the right to hold my funds for 3 weeks. I told the teller (very nicely of course--the bank's policies are not her fault) that I refused to sign b/c I only sign statements I agree with. I wrote on the form and sent it back. Well...she must have gotten in trouble b/c she called me 4 hours later. She had taken the check to deposit, and I have my deposit receipt to prove it. She called and said she could not deposit it and asked if I would like to come pick it up and take it to another bank. Can you believe that!? I know she was trying to be helpful (probably b/c her boss reamed her for taking the deposit without me signing their form), but she told me to take my money elsewhere. We've been with this bank for over a year and I'm thoroughly disgusted. I have to come in on Monday morning and meet with the manager.

The reason I cannot wait for the $ for 3 weeks is b/c I used our savings to pay for the shingles for the house and now I don't have money for the mortgage unless that check is deposited. I could cry just typing this. The shingles were $3600. I am having my roof fixed next week and I need that money to pay the roofer and to cover my mortgage money I had saved. Honestly, I feel like I'm being pooped on. I've never heard of a 3 week hold for an insurance check that has already been endorsed by our mortgage company (Wells Fargo). I have another account with a different bank. I will check out their policies Monday before I go to Midfirst. My aunt, who worked at Farm & Home Bank forever, said it sounded suspicious and said I should check with the state commission and see what they say. The teller told me 3 different reasons they had to hold the check for that long. First, it was b/c of it's amount. Second, well, it was really b/c it was from out of state. Third, no, it was because it was company policy. When she called me back 4 hours after I deposited the check, she said it took so long b/c of how the check was processed through their bank. Obviously, this is a new policy that we did not agree to when we first setup our account because they needed me to sign an additional form, which I refused.

I don't know what to do. I've never been late on my mortgage. I have great credit, and I want to keep it that way. This is my money and I've waited 2 months to get it. I've went through all the hoops and now this.

It's not just the money, ooooh no. It's so much more. When it rains, it really does poor. I'm trying not to worry about what will happen next. I'm trying not to have a defeatist attitude. I'm trying to be strong. But, right now, I'm a mess. I thought typing this stuff out would help, but it hasn't. I'm not getting anywhere new by typing it. I feel a bit alone right now. My husband is sleeping soundly, as is my son. I'm up worrying about our finances and how we're going to make ends meet for yet another month. I'm literally worrying about how we're going to keep a roof over our heads. LOL. Ironic.

I'm done. No more typing tonight. I'll try and post something positive the next time I post. I swear, I'm usually an optimistic person.

Sad/Mad

2008-07-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm depressed...no I'm mad. I waiver back and forth between the two. I don't know how to get out of this funk. I'm mad at my past and I'm mad at my present. I'm depressed b/c I can't change it.

Evan's crying, gotta go.

To Do List

2008-07-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

Goodness! There's a lot to do today. As many of you know, I'm obsessed with lists. I make lists for chores, for errands, for groceries, for goals, for just about anything. I don't always get them done, but I love to list them. LOL One Christmas, Jarred got me a Franklin Covey planner thinking that I would love it b/c I love to make lists. Well, I hardly used it. It didn't fit in my purse and it was overly complicated for my needs. It was a wonderful gift and I still feel badly that I didn't use it.

Well, I've already been to the gym this morning so I feel pretty good (I only did 15 minutes of walking b/c my back and foot are so messed up, but at least it was something). I'm sitting here typing away while sweat drips down my neck. Ha! It's a good feeling. :-) I got up at 6:30 to Evan's morning wail--his first of the day! I couldn't believe it. He slept through the night again. I love when he does that. I've started putting him to bed earlier and I thought it would result in him getting up earlier, but not so last night (which was the 1st night of the experiment). Evan's been eating well and he sleeps better b/c of it. He looooooovvvvves sweet potatoes. Go figure. I think they're nasty, but he loves them. I guess if all I'd ever eaten was breast milk, formula, rice cereal, oatmeal, and mashed green beans, I might love them too. LOL. He's such a mess when he eats. I'll try and upload some pictures. He's too cute.

Today's Agenda:
1. Pay phone bill
2. Pay gas bill
3. Go to Walgreens
4. Go to Homeland
5. Do laundry (another 3 loads)
6. Clean house
7. E-mail Ben (real estate agent)
8. Track package/call bank
9. Call auto shop about repairs
10. E-mail Tiffany: Cannot attend function tomorrow
11. Organize my coupons

Things I'd like to do, but won't
1. Read a book
2. Shave my legs
3. Fill in Evan's baby book
4. Put together his first photo album, with narration

Well, it's going to be a busy day so I better get going. Hope y'all have a wonderful day. :-)

A liberal admits she's conservative...Finally

2008-07-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

The day has finally come. I must admit--in writing no less--that I am no longer a leftwing liberal. Alas, I have many of the values associated with those darn righwing conservatives. My good friend Amy asked me last summer what political party identified with and I said, "Is there such a thing as a fiscally conservative democrat?" She said no. That left me without an affiliation. I no longer associate myself with one party or the other.

But, my conservative shift has effected other areas of my life as well. I used to believe that the government had absolutely no right to dictate whether abortion was right or wrong. I have never been for it, but it has always been a personal decision for me. I know people who have had abortions and I know the turmoil that stays with them b/c of it. After having Evan, I can't stand the thought of it. I'm still not sure I believe the government has the right to repeal Roe vs Wade, but I now believe I have the right--the responsibility--to advocate for prolife (although I certainly don't want myself associated with those clinic-bombing nuts).

I find that my beliefs about male and female roles are also changing. My beliefs concerning this matter used to be based on theories that I found in books, which I adhered to in the hope of overcoming--casting aside--the crap from my childhood. I find myself the primary caregiver, the laundry goddess, the family secretary, and all the other stereotypical roles. I like to believe that I don't really fit that old, outdated 1950's mold. I'm certain that it doesn't come in a size 22. LOL.

I bring this subject up b/c of some issues I'm having with my husband. He is the primary breadwinner. I can't believe it, but I don't mind staying home. Actually, I prefer staying home with Evan. A lot of type A personalities do like it b/c it gives them control over their child's daily life. What I do mind, is that he doesn't help out as much as I think he should. He cannot, for the life of him, figure out what he SHOULD do without being told. On the flip side, he can't stand to be told what to do. Hello! Do you see a problem here? Last night, I was miserable b/c I put my back out and my foot hurt and I was exhausted so Jarred said he would watch Evan while I just sat and watched t.v. His version of watching Evan was to let him scream--not cry, but scream--while he played on the computer. I sat there until I couldn't take it (on and off for an hour) and then I intervened. We've had so many discussions as of late. I'm tired of fighting. I actually thought about loading up the car with Evan and just leaving for the evening. Jarred feels that he helps out as much as OR MORE than I do around the house. I'm still mad at him for saying that. I try not to broach this subject b/c it makes me so mad and it never gets resolved when we do discuss it. Jarred doesn't spend hardly anytime with Evan and his excuse is that he works all the time. It's true, he does work A LOT, but it's also true that he doesn't take advantage of the time he does have free.

Jarred and I aren't getting along. I don't know what to do. He hates his job and we can't afford for him to quit. We have a ton of stuff to do around the house if we hope to sell it next summer. Our lawn has not been mowed in 1 month. How do single moms make it? How do they mow their lawns? We have a 2 acre lawn and our riding lawnmower is broken. GRRRR. I started to mow it the other day but then stopped b/c I was scared I couldn't hear Evan cry. I need to get up early tomorrow and do it before Jarred goes to work. I usually get up at 2 and 4 and 7, so maybe I should just stay up at 4. It would be cool outside and maybe I could catch an afternoon nap. Maybe.

Our money issues are certainly not solved. His silly company overpaid us and now Jarred is all but refusing to talk to them about it. He called them and they said they just won't pay us until we've earned that amount back. My questions were What about being taxed at the higher rate? What about our deductions for 401K, medical, insurance, and flex plan? Who will keep track of the deductions? It's a mess. He still hasn't heard back from them. He says that cannot take back the money they overpaid us because it will mess up their accounting. I say bullshit. I worked in accounting for 2 years and if someone send you a check, you can credit it anywhere you want. If someone messes up on tax deductions, you can make a journal and fix it. I know not everybody uses Great Plains accounting software and I also know that I'm CERTAINLY not an accountant, but it's just common sense that should be able to fix their mistake. My friend who is a CPA says it can be done, yet he still argues with me. He just doesn't want to have to do anything. He doesn't want to make a stupid phone call. I told him I would call, but he declined. This has been dragging on for several days now...

I'm so tired and worn down. I'm not eating right and I've totally stopped exercising. I don't have my house clean and it's driving me crazy. Why am I writing this and not cleaning the kitchen? Because I hate doing it over and over again. I guess I'm not very domestic afterall.

TTYL. Gotta go clean the kitchen.

Another day in life of...

2008-07-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

I rented a car today. I couldn't stand to be without a car in case something to Evan. I currently have a canary yellow pt cruiser in my driveway. It may not be my style, but it drives fine, fits a stroller, and my insurance paid for it. Plus, it makes me smile. Canary yellow, who would have thought?

This is the only thing I got resolved today. I still have to handle the roof, the bills, remodel planning, talking to the real estate, cleaning, coooking, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I guess it will wait.

Jarred's sister called yesterday. Her family of 10 is coming to visit us on the 24-25 of this month. I'mexcited, but intimidated by their sheer number. I'm also always worried whether Jarred's family likes me or not.

Evan is crying. TTYL

Song: I had a bad day

2008-07-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

That song is playing in my head: "I had a bad day." But, I can't remember how the rest of it goes. I've lost my normal optimism. I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend the world does not exist. I want someone else to take care of my child, my house, my bills, my family, my laundry, everything. I want to wake up in the morning and be free of the guilt associated with making bad choices. Guilt is heavy. It'll break your spirit faster than anything else. I chose this house and now I feel bogged down by it. Why didn't I make a better decision?

My car will not be repaired until Tuesday (if then) and my mother is leaving for MO tomorrow morning so I will be without company, without a car, and without the ability to go anywhere. I cannot drive a stickshift in Tulsa traffic so I can't even drive Jarred's truck. Plus, his truck won't fit all 3 of us.

Jarred's stupid company overpaid him on his check and now they want to stop paying him at all until he makes back the money. They paid him $4100. They taxed us on a $4100 check. HELLO!! We NEVER make $4100 in a week, that is entirely out of our tax bracket. It's such a flippin' mess. Jarred and I disagree on how to handle the situation. He told me to make the decision and then tell him what to do. What if I make the wrong one?

I feel like crying. But, I'm too tired. I'm too tired of all of this. I feel like such a failure, even as a Christian. I know and trust God to take care of this situation so why am I so distraught?

I've got to keep pluggin' through. I can't give up. I've got to try and pay bills and stick to the budget. I've got to cook, clean, and take care of baby.

Well, dinner needs finished. TTYL

Oh, what to do?

2008-07-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Major decisions are by necessity difficult to make. If they were easy, they wouldn't be major, now would they? I'm 27 years old and I should have a few things figured out by now like what do I want to be when I grow up? Well, I know I want to be a mommy. I know I want at least 1 more child, preferrably withing the next 3 years. I think I am meant to teach, but have some all-consuming fear of failing.

About a year ago, my husband and I bought a house with 5 acres out in the country. We wanted to raise our son Evan in a small town and be able to have livestock (my desire b/c I grew up with cows and pigs). Reality doesn't always mesh with our dreams. Today was an important day in my life. My husband pointed out that we are "house poor." Our mortgage payment is draining us. We cannot afford another child while we have this mortgage payment. We cannot afford to have livestock b/c of the mortgage. We cannot afford...(hit repeat and fill in the blank).

I've called about re-financing our house, but it won't save us much ($1.50 a month--no joke!). Our taxes more than doubled this year. They're nearly $1500. We can't keep up with our 2 acre yard. Our lawnmower has spent more time broken down over the last year than functional. Push mowing 2 acres stinks. :-(

I could list 10 great reasons why we need to sell, but my heart breaks a little to give up my childhood dream. Between gas and a decreased mortgage payment, we would save an estimated $600 a month by moving (as long as we broke even on the house). Can you imagine!? We could afford another child. We could afford for me to stay home. We could afford...(repeat and fill in the blank). We have friends in Broken Arrow so we're thinking of moving there. It's 20-25 miles closer to work for Jarred.

I e-mailed the real estate agent we worked with when we bought the house and asked him to evaluate our home. We need some direction on what to fix up before we put it on the market. We're thinking of putting it out there next summer. We bought it for 20K under the asking price so we're hoping that good deal will help us be able to break even.

I've been praying that God will help us make wise decisions with our money, but I never thought he would lead us here. I didn't think we would have to sell our house. We will keep praying and listening. "Lean not unto your own understanding..." I don't know where the Bible says that, but it's true. I must trust the Lord to provide for us b/c it is beyond my reach. If you read this, and you're the praying sort, please send up a quick prayer for us. We would really appreciate it. Money is such a stressor (for everyone). It's causing a lot of fights between my husband and I. We've never been the fighting sort, but we find ourselves grumpy and easily frustrated right now.

Well, the baby needs a bath and he's fussy b/c he's teething. Thank goodness for Tylenol! I hope he sleeps tonight!!! :-)

Evan Update

2008-07-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

We stopped all solids in hopes that Evan's rash would clear up and go away. The doctor said if it does not go away in 1-2 weeks it is not related to a food allergy/intolerance. So far, the rash is an on-again off-again issue. He still has periodic congestion as well. I'm not convinced it's a food allergy, but it might be an allergy of some sort. I'm going to get some baby cream for his face tomorrow at the store and see if that helps clear up the redness.

Overall, he's doing fine. He's happy and full, even though it takes over 40 ounces a day! LOL. He's a good eater. After a week, if it's clear that he's not allergic to the cereal, we may go back to solids. I think we'll skip the cereal for awhile and go to green beans. They're a highly unlikely food to be allergic to, according to my new friend Christy. Christy has 2 children and both of them have had amazingly frightening health problems. Her baby boy has allergies so we've been chatting about isoliating them and figuring out what's going on.

On a happy note, Jarred was off today. We packed a picnic lunch and drove out to a park and had a wonderful picnic. We took a walk with Evan in the stroller and just had a wonderful afternoon. Evan loves the outdoors. :-)

We don't have a ton of friends, but we are so blessed by the friends we do have. Actually, many of our friends have been better to us than some of our family members. We appreciate all of the prayers and concerns. I think we're truly being blessed by the prayers y'all have said.

We got a bit of news yesterday. One of Jarred's staff members quit. We originally viewed this as a negative, but then we decided to look at it in another light. This will force Jarred to work more hours (this is why we saw it as negative at first), but on the other hand, it will also result in a higher paycheck. This will help us get caught up, or at least stay above water.

We're still working on our roof. We don't know what to do yet. The insurance company was fair, but none too generous with their check. We have a thousand dollar deductible and we need to keep some money back so we can catch up. Jarred and his brother Hans could do the roof and we could pocket a good chunk of money, but now Jarred is unlikely to be approved for vacation. We'll see what happens. It'll all work out.

I have to work tomorrow. I'll be away from Evan for 15 hours. That's the longest I've ever been away from him! I'm going to substitute teach at my old place of employment. I hope everything goes smoothly. I haven't worked in 6 months. It's so hard to believe!

I'll post again in a few days and update everyone. :-) Have a great 4th of July!!!

Baby Allergy

2008-07-01T06:09:00.000-07:00

Evan may have a food allergy. He may be allergic to rice cereal. For the past week his cheeks have been really red and he's had some gastro. issues. It turns out these are signs of a food allergy. Food allergies can kill babies! Yikes! He's breathing fine but we're stopping all solids and going back to formula for a few days. He's not going to like it. He eats 35-40 ounces of formula a day when we don't feed him solids. That's amazing. The doctor couldn't believe it. She told us we needed to have him on solids twice a day, but of course, that was before the breakout.

I'm going to try and isolate the issue. If it's not a food allergy, it may be an allergy to my cat. I have no idea what to do about that. I'm going to sweep and clean like a mad woman, but it also means I'm going to have to put my cat in the garage. I should probably put her outside, but I'm worried about the dog eating her food.

Stubs, my cat, is not a happy camper. She does NOT liking sharing attention with Evan. Well, she does NOT like losing all of the attention she used to get to Evan. She might be happier outside. She was always an outside cat before. I need to bathe her and renew her flea/tick/worm meds and let her out...it's just that darn dog.

I've got to call the insurance and fight about it again today. Wish me luck. I've got 2 bills to work on this morning. I may also need to take Evan to the doctor. Honestly, both Jarred and I need to go to the doctor. My foot is a mess. I have a Zorro-like mask bruise that goes across my pinky toe and some weird bruising on my foot. It's very painful. Jarred has some pain that's been with him for over a month. I just keep telling myself to make it through to the 15th--that's when most of our bills will be paid.

Well, I need to start calling people. Hope y'all have a nice day!

Blessings!!!!

2008-06-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

I just posted a prayer asking the Lord to provide my heart's desire and to let me stay home with my infant son. I prayed this knowing that we don't have the money to pay our bills unless we dip deep into the remaining savings we have, at which point I would have to go to work to keep us from relying on credit cards to pay our bills (always a bad plan). Today, just after I had prayed for God's blessing, I went to the mailbox and found 2 wonderful surprises! First, my mother had sent us $150!!! That pays a bill!!! Yippeee! Second, we got a check from the insurance company for our roof! Now we just have to find someone to do it for a little less than what we have. We NEED to catch up our savings and our best bet is to have someone do the roof for less than we have so that we can put the rest in savings. Jarred has roofed many a house, but he would need some help... He's thinking of asking his brother to come out and help.

I am encouraged and hopeful once more. Thank you Lord for your blessings! They astound me.

What's a mom to do?

2008-06-30T11:01:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here sweltering inside my air-conditioned house with sweat running in my eyes after taking out my frustrations on the kitchen floor. Ironically, the floor looks like it could go another round, but I've rung the bell. I was so tired last night after Evan had been up all night long the previous night. I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. I was asleep my 10 and woke up to my son's nightly screams at 3:50 am this morning. I must have slept right through his usual wake-up groans because he had escalated to full-out screams. When I went to get out of bed, I screamed in pain. I hurt my left foot a few weeks ago and it's getting worse. The bruises have come back. I have bruises on the top left of my foot below my toes and in the middle of my foot where the foot meets the ankle. It hurt all morning, but I made myself walk on it and now it's a bit better, but I still favor it. I don't have the $ to go to the doctor and I'm just wondering if I've broken one the little bones in my foot.

Speaking of money, I wish we had more of it. I had to make a REALLY hard decision this week. I had to give up going to my friend's wedding in KS. I e-mailed her and told her (I don't have her #) and she hasn't e-mailed me back. I tried to talk to her online but she just logged off. I hope that was coincidental and not on purpose. Right now, I feel like she's mad at me and it's making me miserable. She's one of the few people who bothered to show up for my wedding and I always thought I would go to hers b/c it meant so much to me that she came and sang at my wedding. If I went to the wedding, it would be the straw to break the camel's back. I would have to go back to work. This week has been very hard emotionally, financially, and physically. I priced daycare...it's $135 for 3 days a week!!!!! How can I afford to work? It's $5 an hour for children under 1 years of age. Can you imagine? What am I going to do? How can I make my bills less?

Jarred and I sat down and tried to make a plan, but we won't feel most of the changes until next month. Here's what we did:

1. unplugged fridge in garage (estimated $20/month)
2. Will empty and unplug deep freeze (estimated $20/month)
3. Cancel Gym membership ($40/month)
4. Suspend 401K withdrawls ($150/month) (I know...this is AWEFUL)
5. Keep air on 75 or above/close vents in unused rooms
6. Don't drive as much (I'm not allowed to go to Tulsa until the 9th b/c it costs $10 a trip)
7. change cell plan ($30/month) (we checked into pay as you go phones and it would only save us $30 a month b/c of the disconnect fee so we were ahead just to stay with Sprint)

We also have stuff we need to look into. I checked on WIC today and we don't qualify. Just thank the Good Lord that we were able to get Evan's check up and shots there. That saved us at least $200 out of pocket. We pay $350 a month for insurance and we get squat! However, it's still cheaper than going with an independent plan (we checked).

We need to get rid of a payment, reduce payments, or bring in more income. Which one sounds the most plausible? I thought it would be bring in more income, but that's not looking good with the cost of daycare. I have a substitute gig this Thursday but those are few and far between. This is actually the first one and I hope to work a few more this month. If I could work 5 days a month that would cover or nearly cover our car payment.

So, what's a mom to do? Stay home with the child and go into more debt, or try and work and still go into debt? Our income is 1/2 of what it was last year! Imagine living on 1/2 of what you had last year. We planned for hard times and still we didn't put back enough. We're going to try and make it. We have to go to MO one more time this summer (in two weeks), and that's it. No more trips until September when I have a wedding to attend (in the bridal party) in CO. We have to take my mother's car back to her. She let us borrow it while mine is in the shop being repaired from the storm we had on 6-1. I had to have a new roof, a new hood, and a new trunk (plus some additional body work).

My car only gets 23 mpg. It costs us $390 a month (fast pay track). We need to get our payments down. I'm going to look into re-fing our houses and/or our car. We got a terrible deal on our house and I think it would help our payments if we re-fied.

The bottom line is that we're doing all we can. We keep asking God for help and He's helping us stay above water. If we fail, and get into debt, God will be there to help us up. It's so hard to realize that. To know that God is with you, but that doesn't mean you will always be able to succeed. I pray for my heart's desire:

Dear Lord,

Please hear my prayer. My heart's desire to to stay home with my son. Help us to manage our finances and make good choices. Show me clearly whether I should return to work or stay home with Evan.

Help me to put away my fear. Fear of getting certified, of teaching. I kow that failure to act is still a choice, one with widespread consequences. Help me discern the correct action and to take it. Help me be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good daughter.

Thank you dear Lord for carrying me right now. My strength has failed me, but yours sustains me.

Amen

Random thoughts: Insurance, Baby-envy, and Diets

2008-06-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

What a day! We've been dealing with the insurance company b/c of all the damage we sustained from the hail storm back at the beginning of June. We had the roof adjuster out today (finally). We have to have a whole new roof and most of our ceilings inside of the the house repainted. Our gutters are also a total loss. Thank goodness for insurance! It's a complete pain in the rear end, but I don't know what we would do without it. We've got a thousand dollar deductible on the house, but I think we can handle it if we can find the right person to do the work.

We also have to get my car fixed. It has $4K worth of damage. It didn't total it out, darn it. I love my car but we owe way too much on it and we have GAP insurance so if it had been totaled our loan would have been paid in full. C'est la vie. The good news is that we found a place that does great work and he'll do it reasonably--even replace my windshield.

I finally got the baby's doctor bill finalized. I have to pay 791.XX in full within 30 days. Geez! Who has that kind of money lying around right now? We had savings, but they're nearly depleted b/c of a million surprise expenses and poor commission checks. The good news is that dh's work is going better. He had a big week last week and it will surely help us start to catch up. It's enough for me to go to MO this Thursday to help get ready for my nephew's wedding this Saturday. :-)

I have a Beau-ti-ful baby boy at home. I'm so surprisingly fulfilled by him. Don't get me wrong, I still want to have a career, but just not right now. I want to be here with him 24-7. Because of money issues, I may try and substitute teach at my old school a couple days a month. If I could do 5 days a month (big if here), then it would be about 300-400 dollars take home after gas (and only if Jarred watches the baby).

I'm ready--mentally--for another baby. My body is definitely not ready. My scar still hurts when Evan stands on my belly and I still have a ton of weight to lose. My diet died. I've got to start over tomorrow. Tuesdays are my weigh-in days and I come to judgment tomorrow. If it was fried or sweetened, I've eaten it the last couple of days. LOL.

South Beach has not worked this time around. I'm considering Weight Watchers. I need a diet that lets me have a variety of foods or I'm never going to be able to stick to it. SB only lets you have vegetables (some--not corn) and lean meats.

Well, gotta run. The baby is crying. It's his bedtime and I'm trying to stretch it out a bit b/c he had a late nap.

Recipe Results

2008-06-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

The new recipe turned out fantastic! Yippee! I highly recommend it. I'm going to take the leftover roast and make vegetable soup out of it today. I've got a meetup planned tomorrow and we're supposed to bring a dish so I'm bringing veg. soup and jello jigglers (sugar free). I've never made jigglers before. Darn it! I forgot to buy cookie cutters! I don't have any. I'll either have to cut them into cubes or use a glass. I'll work out something. I've got to use what I have anyway b/c I'm on a strict budget. You never realize how much you spend on the extra stuff until you're forced to stop.

Gotta run. The baby is crying. (Is this my life? Is the only thing I do pick up a crying baby?)

Johnna

Weigh In

2008-06-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Today was weigh in day. It's been 1 week and I've actually followed the diet for the whole week. I was so nervous that I hadn't lost any weight that I could hardly sleep last night. Well, the good news is that I lost...10 whopping pounds!!!! Yea!!!!

I've never lost 10 lbs in a week before. I posted on my weightloss blog that it's either because the diet is working or because I'm so fat....or probably both. :-)

I'm trying a new recipe today. It's found at http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com/2007/01/how-to-make-pot-roast-in-crockpot.html. I hope it turns out great. It's basically a fancy potroast.

Well, the baby is waking up. Gotta run.

2008-06-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a storm! We had a horrific storm on Sunday with baseball-sized hail and 70 mph wind. Both windshields were destroyed and our roof probably needs replaced. Our deductible on the car in $500, the truck is not covered, and the deductible on the house ins $1000. When it rains, it pours. That's $3000 in unexpected expenses in the last month. How do people with 1 income handle it? We've worked so hard to pay down our credit card. We have about $1000 left to pay and I hate--HATE---the very idea of putting anything on the credit card, but I hate the thought of going back to work and leaving my infant son in daycare even MORE. Sigh. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Do I go back to work or try and weather the financial storm? If I go back to work, where? It'll have to pay a good wage to compensate for gas and daycare costs.

Well, in case y'all don't know, I also have a blog at whatweate08. It's a group of stay at home moms that decided to help motivate each other to lose weight. One of my friends from the group lost 80 pounds before she got pregnant. 80 pounds! Can you imagine the dedication? I need to lose that much, but I'm intimidated by the very thought of it. My goal is 20 lbs right now. I weigh in tomorrow to see how much I lost this first week on the diet. I did pretty good on my food choices, but not so good on my exercise. I only exercised 3 times this week. I broke my toe on the first day of the diet and sprained my ankle too. It's been such a rough week.

That's all for now. Gotta go.

Teething Nightmares

2008-05-28T19:19:00.001-07:00

What a couple of days! Yesterday I started my diet--whether you call it a diet or a lifestyle it still sucks. I went back on South Beach because it has worked for me in the past and because I know it does good things for my body (i.e. lower cholesterol, lower triglycerides, regulated sugar, ect). It's not an easy diet. You cannot have any refined sugars or refined carbs. Did you think it would be easy and work? South Beach has two sides. On one side, it's very demanding and you can't indulge in that chocolate or that pasta, but on the other side, the enforced consumption of lean meats and vegetables makes you feel full on less food. I have a portion problem. I eat when I'm hungry, I eat when I'm emotional (any emotion will due), and I eat when I'm socializing. Not only do I eat too frequently, I eat bad foods and way too much of it. For instance, right now I would love to eat a box of macaroni and cheese. Don't ask me why. I don't eat mac n cheese everyday so I'm not sure where this craving is coming from. (Sigh) This too shall pass.

Yesterday started off great. I made eggs and ham for breakfast for the dh and myself. The baby was happy and playing with dh while I cooked. Then, Jarred yells and I run back to see what's going on...he's taught the baby a new trick. Evan can sit up (on occasion) by himself! Of course I was excited, but I had to get back to the eggs. I turned and scurried toward the door, hoping to keep the eggs from burning. KABAM! I broke my toe. Yep. I broke my toe on Jarred's shoe that he left in the doorway. My little pinkie toe is black and blue and scarlet red. It's pretty, maybe prettier than it was before I broke it.

Breaking my toe wasn't good enough, so I tried to break my leg in the afternoon. I was determined to exercise on the first day of my diet so I took Evan for a walk in his stroller. I was happily pushing the stroller on the sidewalks in town when suddenly, SWOOSH! My foot came out from under me and fell smack dab on the concrete. I have a bruise the size of two baseballs and my ankle hurts like the Dickens. Not only did I hurt myself falling, I scuffed myself up further when I desperately reached for the runaway stroller that held my peacefully sleeping son in it. LOL. Well, I saved the boy and gathered up my tarnished pride and got myself off the ground. I was sopping wet. I had fallen on a wet sidewalk and everything from my waist down was soaked. I had 1/2 mile to walk back to the car. I received some pretty perplexed looks on my way back to my car.

That was yesterday. Today, I hurt. My pinkie toe is ok, at least from a broken toe, but my left leg and left foot are both miserable. I kind of feel like I'm falling apart. (sigh) At least I've been faithful to my diet. I knew I should go on a diet, but it took something major to convince me to get started. Sunday I had an episode. My left hand suddenly went numb and started to swell. We called the insurance nurse hot line and they told us to go the dr b/c it could be a mini stroke. Yikes! Needless to say, it was not a stroke, it was a fluke caused by leaning on the crib all night trying to get my beautiful son to sleep in his own bed. The other symptoms were caused by a mild case of food poisoning. Just thought that I could have a stroke b/c of my weight is mind-blowing. I have to do something about it. I don't think I'll ever be thin, but I could be healthier. I've even got Jarred on the diet. He ate a salad for lunch--a salad!! He's been on the diet for 2 days--the longest he's ever been on a diet. Now, he's had a few allowances. He drinks about a liter of soda a day, but that's less than normal. Good job Jarred!

This post was supposed to be about Evan's teething and the fact that he's cantankerous. He's exhausting sometimes. My friend has a beautiful little girl who is 10 weeks, about a month younger than Evan. She never fusses. Today her mom said, "My she's really fussy," and she wasn't even crying, she was just squirming. !! When Evan is fussy, you know it. He has the lungs of a young opera singer. AAAAAHHHHHH. Just imagine...

He's asleep now and I need to clean. Jarred is almost home and I'm going to warm him a plate. I made baked chicken and broccoli for supper. Yum. Really, yum. Not all diet food is bad. :-)

2008-05-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

Greetings. I am a 27-year-old woman who has been married for nearly 4 years to a wonderful man named Jarred. He's wonderful, but I'm sure there will be quite a few posts dedicated just to him. LOL. We were blessed with our first child in February 2008. The pregnancy and delivery were fraught with complications, but we survived and are now thriving (if you don't count the baby weight I gained). My son's name is Evan and he is doing very well. At 3.5 months old, he's smart, active, and cute as a button.

The point of this blog is to log my rantings, my feelings and opinions that are best not spoken out loud, in deference to those I love and respect who would whole-heartedly disagree with my ramblings. It's about a process of self-discovery and understanding, and it's also merely a way of venting without getting in trouble.

I would also like to use this blog to keep track of my experiences as a first-time mom dealing with the pressures of two generations bearing down on me as well as the pressure from myself to pursue my dreams and be a good person, a good wife, and an educated woman.

I have a wonderful family, even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, but many of the older folks--the experienced mothers and fathers, indeed, grandmothers and grandfathers--feel that the role of the woman is domestic. Complete domesticity. The man is the breadwinner and the woman is the housekeeper. Yuck. I've always detested the polarity of such descriptions. The real world today does not function that way, at least not my world. Yes, I have chosen to stay home with my child for as long as is financially viable and/or productive. However, I am not willing to accept or embrace the stereotypical, 1950's stay-at-home mom (sahm). I have to admit that there are some characteristics of my life that overlap with the stereotypical stay-at-home-mom; however, my life is painted in color, not in Leave-It-To-Beaver black and white. This will undoubtedly be a topic of many discussions. I have a desire to be the best mom and the best wife, but I haven't quite figured out how to define those things. Do you have to be a certain way? Is it universal/relative or both? Lots to discusss, but not now.

Over the course of this blog, I would like to discuss my ever-changing perceptions of the following: (1) domesticity; (2) motherhood; (3) marriage--especially inter-faith marriage; (4) religion/spirituality; (5) in-laws/family; (6) children; (7) health; (8) politics and (9) relationships. I'm sure the list could have been longer, but these broad categories should suffice.

I love lists. They get me on track, maybe not a track I intended, but on a track nonetheless. I figure things out by talking and since I am a sahm now, I don't do much talking: the cat does not count. Yes, I talk to my 3 month old son, but his best responses are smiles and gooos. :-) I love those smiles and baby jibber-jabber, but I need something in addition to it.

Motherhood is wild ride. It's nothing like I thought it would be, and so much more than I ever dreamed. It's cliche and original. Maybe this blog will help me be able to define it, even describe it out loud.

Well, that's it folks. That's the preview for this blog. Best wishes.